a very long time ago…
before the earth and the universe…
even before time and space…
we were having an awesome party.
and it was just bass and bass players allowed.
and it never stopped.
and there was peace.
yahweh heard a noise and was all,
“what’s that groovy sound?”
and found a jar where he heard a pretty pumpin jam.
he decided to twist the lid off that jar.
what happened next can only be explained as the big bang.
the party fun exploded into the outerspace like a gag can of mixed nuts.
of course the party continued uninterrupted.
yahweh felt thirsty.
so he sauntered up to the bar and ordered a drink.
he got no service.
in fact, he soon realized there was actually no bar at all.
security removed him so fast he didn’t even have time to formulate a thought about the experience.
infuriated that no one thought to invite him to the party…
and that they had the nerve to kick him out…
yahweh turned his back…
in an attempt to create his own exclusive club…
yahweh created sacred geometry…
which immediately caused a scene…
…but the bass party couldn’t care less.
thinking he could sour the grape,
yahweh murmurred something to himself,
then, leaving the lid off, he turned on the lights.
…but the bass kept pounding.
even with the lights on, the ugliest mother fucker around…
and when someone would go to turn the lights off,
yahweh, the prick, would immediately turn them on again.
this has been going on ever since.
and now that there was night and day…
yahweh became restless.
the next day…
the delusional yahweh, took all his savings,
set out and created a venue…
as well as all sorts of other things in the outer space that would prove to the bass party
that he could have a more happening function.
he thought of great marketing schemes to spark interest…
including fake line ups,
even though the venue wasn’t actually open to the public yet.
it was not considered interesting.
yahweh also considered himself quite an accomplished interior decorator.
so he created the sky and junk for clientelle to gaze upon with wonder.
he laughed, “they’ll so come and be like ‘no way’ hahaha”.
he was all, “shit, you know what are the best parties?”
so he took a hose and started filling the venue with water.
not until the venue was flooded did he realise there was nowhere to dance.
so he was all “i’ma make a dance floor”
having no idea about construction,
he created the most uneven, unappealing dance floor conceivable.
still off the hook.
even though he still had no clientelle,
and thinking two parties would increase the awesome level,
yahweh made a couple nifty disco balls…
one, an obsessive lover, who ruled earth’s daytime shindigs,
two, a risque romantic type of fly by night,
who would show up only when the place was really, how do you say…
je ne sais quoi?
this was the grand opening…
and players at the bass party ne’er turned a cheek.
t’was still the place to be be.
fuming, yahweh created waterslides…
and forged various partygoers he called ANIMALS.
and since sustainability was so hip these days,
he also made some way neat living decor called PLANTS.
i think maybe someone from the bass party looked over or something.
totes fuckin tay’rd, and feeling quite good about his developements,
yahweh went over to the bass party,
from outside, he asked if they could turn it down a bit so he could rest a while.
but no one could really hear him,
one player outside smoking responded,
but just thought yahweh was talking about how awesome the bass was sounding.
using his arms to pretend to look like a fat man, this player said in agreeance,
“i know right, booowooowooowooowooo”.
needless to say,
yahweh was satisfied that they treated him with a little more respect this time.
disturbed by his lack of sleep,
yahweh took to practicing what he called his “mad flow” in front of the animals,
convinced that all he needed was one good act.
but he was bogus.
and the animals all pretended not to understand him.
this caused some unrest.
and since yahweh didn’t supply the party animals with any food…
they started to eat the decorations.
in a desperate attempt to get get drunk,
some animals started eating other animals…
to keep them from eating the fruit…
so it would spoil and ferment first…
so they could get wasted.
oh and they did.
they really did.
and they began to piss and shit everywhere.
the bass party was still bangin.
some of the animals even ditched to go to the bp
and the playas was all “yeah, no prob, nefew, come on in”
grinding his teeth, yahweh decided to take a short nap…
during this short break, something in the outer space thought it funny to vandalize earth,
obliterating almost all the partygoers,
but worst of all
the biggest partiers of all time,
since the lid was still off at the jam,
and no one yet noticed,
they decided to turn up the volume to compensate for some of the sound loss.
yahweh was pissed.
in retaliation he manufactured what he believed to be the greatest partier of all,
too bad yahweh was only running on an hour of sleep in the last couple days,
because he forgot to test drive the product before allowing them to procreate.
under a ton of stress…
while taking a minute to “rest his eyes”…
the mother fucker straight passed out on the couch for reals
and he slept for a whole day.
when he awoke, the humans were not partying at all.
it was peaceful.
they were listening to the bass party.
it was good.
but yahweh was fucking mad.
he was so furious that no one was partying,
he flipped the earth off its axis causing floods.
he yelled at the people but they could not understand him
because they had grown up overnight without ever hearing his voice.
so yahweh hit the reset button on earth…
causing humanity to forget everything they new about peace…
and everything they new about bass too.
and as the selfish asshole he was,
yahweh put a force field around the earth…
blocking out a portion of the sick frequencies generated by the bass party jar
he assembled a plethora of new instruments
none of which had the rich bassy tone of the bass party players
and gave them to the people
and said, “jam on this”
and the people kinda made it work for a while.
obsessed that he would outdo the bass party,
yahweh made a few new jerks to add to humanity that would keep the people partying no matter what.
but the people grew tired of the party and took up jobs,
to balance the stress of partying all the time.
because yahweh favoured those who partied,
some people wanted to win the highest approval by being the only ones partying.
so they enslaved many humans to do all the tiring bullshit work for them.
oh and they partied alright.
sometimes to death.
being the aspiring entertainer he thought himself to be,
yahweh made many aliases.
realising he needed press,
he created the alphabet and contacted human journalists
to make these aliases have fabricated conflicts…
and he thought to himself, “great marketeering”.
he even came up with a brilliant plan to confuse the people.
using each alias, yahweh began telling the people that believing in other aliases
would keep them from some indescript prize they could recieve only after they died.
and he told them,
the people could only recieve this reward by staying faithful to the alias.
“what a hilariously entertaining trick” yahweh bellowed.
this caused many wars which yahweh thought were very entertaining.
but yahweh was becoming lazy and absentminded…
and some of his aliases started having the same mantras, which further confused the people.
a portion of little humans got so bored of yahweh’s party,
that they invented suicide so they could leave.
this saddened yahweh.
then something crazy happened…
some kinda break in the force field or something…
or maybe the people started getting their memories back…
but people started to find ways to make the party on earth more bassy than ever.
they started saying “who needs yahweh to have a good time?”
and atheism was invented.
contempted yahweh ordered theists to murder these heathens.
but their numbers grew.
and theists and atheists started becoming friends.
and using sacred geometry, they collaborated on how to created even deeper, louder bass tones.
peace began coming back to the earth.
this started keeping yahweh up at night.
unsettled, he started calling the cops.
and when the cops showed up and shit was alright,
he made the cops jealous so they would break up the party anyways.
late one afternoon
when the bass party was playing shit you can slow dance to,
the hippest bass party player of all came over to earth for a visit.
he looked yahweh up and down unsurprised and said while lighting a cigarette
“you’re a wreck”
truth is he hadn’t bathed in millions of years trying to outdo the bass party.
teary eyed, he looked at the player and asked
“why? why didn’t you invite me to your party? look at this mess i’ve made.”
the player embraced yahweh and let out a sigh
“cuz you’re kind of a control freak”
after an extended hug, the player let go of yahweh and headed back to the party.
“so does that mean i can come in now?” yahweh yelled happily chasing after the player.
the bass party player paused holding the lid of the jar
sealed the lid of the jar using contact cement
and the bass party continued unfettered.
only now the lid of the jar had some writing on it that says…