1 saturday

*disclaimer: this is a series of the events that took place when i was admitted to hospital. i wrote a journal of the visit and decided to share it with you. because it’s awesome. all or most spelling mistakes are intentional.*

DAY ONE

all night

all fucking night i am making up groaning noises to express the excrutiating pain i’m in

i call my mother at 6:24 am

“hey mum i’m in lots of pain.”

“oh, do you need me to take you to emergency?”

“yeah, i guess, tha’d be good”

“alright, i’ll be there right away.”

“bye”

7:39

“hallo”

“hey did mum leave yet?”

“hang on”

“well i don’t see her she must have left”

“ok”

7:52

my mum comes through the door she suggests i get in the shower quick before we go so i feel a little cleaner cuz this might take a while

i ‘m making those same noises that don’t make any sense

she keeps suggesting they’re making me tense and i should stop

she doesn’t know what she’s fuckin talking about

“would you like a wheel chair, stu?”

“yes please” “no no one with the leg thingees”

“oh hang on”

“thank you”

so we sign up

“what would you say your pain…”

“10” i’ve done this before “it’s ten, ten”

“ten?.. ok… allergic to anything, any medications?

“no”

and the questions go on

“I’m gonna go for a trip i need to keep moving this is fucking horrible”

by the time i get around twice they want me to get in for the inspection

woo hoo

nrss number 2 and the same questions once more

ok

doc number 1

questions 3rd time

“were gonna send you in fer some xrays right away here  and i’ll see what we can do about a bonescan for ya. do you need anything for pain?”

“yssh pleezzzzsh”

“tylenol 3s, orrr morphine y’think?”

“eey dn n’, uuughh! how dz morphine wrk?”

“well the codine in tylenol 3s is actually converted by your body into morphine, so it’s like that but better”

“better? letsdotha’thenTHANKYOU!”

mom

“ok stuart try to relax ok?”

“i dno wy thr tryin fr xrays… hmm! thrnotgnafindanything. whydon’, theyjuss, gimme th’fuking stom’kdrugso i kn ge’th’hll’ouddda’hrrr?”

nrss number 2

“this might hurt a little bit. can we turn you over?”

“mm mm”

“ok, y’know, there’s enough flesh on your thigh we’ll just try there ok?”

“ok”

“ok we’ll do this as quickly as possible one.”

“hhhhhho!”

“ok… two”

“what th’f’kkkkhh!”

so morphine not only hurts but it feels like getting shot with a small bullet. god damn.

most painful xrays ever

most painful fucking bone scan too… and all the fucking questions.

radiologist

questions 4th (or fifth or sixth really) time

“so we think there’s something growing down there we’d like to take a closer look so i’m going to perform an ultrasound”

“yup whatever”

hey that came out a lot clearer.

“so it looks like there’s a pocket down there, maybe an infection. we want to suck somma that out and test it. we’ll need your permission though so sign these forms and we’ll get it done”

“yup whatever”

“yeah, so it looks really pussie but we’re gonna send it in for tests and your doctor will see you shortly…”

“yup, sure, whatever”

glad that’s over.

it’s alwes interesting how much pain y’have to go through in order to get relief from th’pain you’ve already got.

more phine please

at least this one was more in the fleshy part of my leg near my ass…

oh the wait…

doc 2

questions for the 5th time ahh!

… and boy am i fucked up

“haha so it’s too bad your dad can’t operate huh? heh”

“what the fuck’r you talking about?”

“yeah, you have a quite the infection in your joint there and we’re going to have to flush out the inflamation. so we called in dr chaney and he should be here shortly”

“what”

it’s probably about 7 pm now and the surgeon comes in QUESTIONS NUMBER 6TH TIME!!! and they really wanna know if i have an std or use iv drugs

?

surgery yay!

what a cool idea. take a guy who obviously would have otherwise died at say 25 and give a life expectency equal to that of healthy people. only one catch… you have to live with a much greater amount of pain for probably most of your life! YAY!

obviously DIDN”T remember surgery BUT i do remember how gross oxygen smells. ahh maybe it was the plastic tube.

wake up

it’s dark

i’m in bed i don’t know what day it is

saturday or sunday

probably saturday night

out of surgery

pain all up in ma hip

nurse asks if I want pain killers

i ask if it has to be injected straight

she says no you have an iv now

i’m like yes

the drugs don’t really cure the pain they mostly just make you not care sos you can sleep

wake up

there is a fierce itch on the balls

almost painful

i sratch

it gets worse like way worse

everytime i scrath it’s like someone pouring bleach all over some deep set testicle laceration

i press the button on the bed for the nurse

THE BUTTON ISN’T WORKING

i start yelling for the nurse

this one guy cornered from me is pissed and tells me all about the button and where it really was

i feel dumb

the nurse comes in

she’s all oh yr thingy needs a change

i’m all quietly

“yeah, so therrs this mad itch on my balls. could you help me”

perhaps she didn’t hear me cuz she left

so i ding her again

i’m all loud and clear

“yeah, listen, my balls are itchy as fuck. i need something to be done here.”

“oh sorry let me grab something”

the guy who got all serious is all

“is this guy for real?”

she comes back with a rag and some (what i learn later is) waterless skin soap

lifts up my gown

“ah!”

it’s all red everywhere on the left

“is that bad”

“no itsa surgical solution”

she gets to rubbin down the leg gettin the shit off makes it around to the crotch

“yeah i can do that part thanks

ohhhh yeah sooo much ohhhh so much better

thanks”

and now we can sleep

Stuart Driedger

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6 thoughts on “1 saturday

  1. phoenolf says:

    just as not to be confused, this is ursa urn’s post, correct?

  2. […] 1 Saturday he mentions getting an xray, bonescan, and ultrasound. they offer him tylenol 3 or morphine and where the docs mention they are basically the same thing. there’s a brief joke about ethics. when his balls itchy lying in bed it’s because of a disinfectant called hibitane. […]

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