*disclaimer: this is a series of the events that took place when i was admitted to hospital. i wrote a journal of the visit and decided to share it with you. because it’s awesome. all or most spelling mistakes are intentional.*
the bottle’s way to far away ohh whyrrrrrr
rrr mmm ok i hope i don’t over flowcuz someone didn’t empty my shit since the night before.
oh mann aawwee man
*ding the nurse*
“ok so i like thought the bottle could handle some pee but. hm. down my leg. everywhere. gross.”
got out of bed
“heh. ok well that’s pretty hilarious :)”
got it changed
“well that got figured out way faster than i thought. it wrked out great for the both of us. thanks :)”
now that i think about it. i think i just pulled out early.
i’m on a boat or a life preserver. a really big one that slowly turns into something more and there are two girls and one guy and one of the girls i noticed is really hot. she’s wearing a skirt and i go to fuck her and she’s got anal beads in so i lick her pussy and she likes that and i fuck her pussy and then i get flung off and she’s smiling and doin the nuh uh with her finger but not like nuh uh no anal more like nuh uh let’s get around before getting nasty. sends me at the other girl who’s like no way and all these people start appearing and my girl says try one of these girls and there are several like a dance crew wearing the same black tight cotton outfit and red sash and they’re game so i grab one by the arm and start rubbing her pussy through her tight pants and ask her if she likes anal and she’s like no way and walks away. and then all these people are around and they’re like rich people and we’re on a cruise ship and i start looking for that first girl and all the people start disappearing as i look around and all of sudden i’m on the top floor of an ever-changing interior of a palace. white walls black drapery red and gold trim. i see the empress pass by maybe she’ll tell me where i am. i flip my way to the bottom floor before getting crushed by the shifting staircases or sliced by the guards and it looks like they may be serving dinner soon. and here we are me and my partner are standing in front of an underpass to the upper walkway and it opens up and i complete quest one. i start walkin around and notice there are 4 quests in all the throughways but i have to finish just the right one like a game so the next one i pick opens and i see a screen and it shows me what we’re doin. and here we are. two headed duel katananana golems i have to finish them off. i flip i flip i flip and dodge all over and i realize there are too many so i do the next best thing. i decide to stop running. if i let them come to me and just duck, they are so slow and blind they’ll just destroy eachother and they did. but there are these other guys now that sort of look like sand creatures as well as the guards from before and they’re chasin us now. crap we gotta get outta here. so white red black and i run through the last level through way and escape while losing some dear buddies. we’ve each got a chart telling us of matters in colored point form and i have a set of keys (?) these’ll come in handy. pocket. there’s a house of representatives we’ve walked in on. “you”. we haven’t had enough time to read it. i say “beware the public speaker who speaks kindly, he might sound like he’s speaking in your interest but he’s really just looking for attention” we all speak on wisdom we’ve learned and we all pass and the room lightens up and all the people are there again and they are joyful we were successful. i reach the top of the stairs and there are all the girls and they’re smiling from the edge of a curved rail, kind of looking across at us. oh i’m supposed to win her heart. and then “begin baguette challenge” what? everything but me. same type room as before but different. I have my green kung fu jacket on. ok i’m ready. i see the khaki kung fu kids posed on the long staircase holding baguettes. i slowly approach to pass and one swings. i grab a baguette from a nearby vase (?) and stop his baguette and strike him and move to quickly ascend the staircase being attacked by baguettes and mine breaks and i’m grabbing falling halves of baguettes just to keep up and i noticed the guy i hit last has frozen his position and no one else is really moving out of their poses either and i stop for a sec “we have to stop when you even touch us” he says. ooooohhhh. so i approach this a lot slower now. so i make it to the top of the staircase and things are a little too quiet. it doesn’t look far to go and i remember my keys. right. and i see those sand people again running in coming up to the bottom of these other stairs. they spot me and throw their upside- down golden shovel weapons at me. i jump over the weapons towards them down the stairs. they’re pissed this didn’t work so they throw these other mini them faces at me now and i surely dodge them in mid air. i land close on a rail and quickly jump away but they’re after me. i jump up this next staircase and they’re still after me so i make a leap and it’s neil patrick harris in the same outfit from harold an kumar 1 except with a fedora and he’s sorta singing bad jazz as i’m leaping higher into the ceiling lights and around the various fixtures until i land back on one of the main walkways again. the coast is clear. i make a break for it and run straight by neil patrick harris and grab a starbust out of the candy jar ahead. “thanks neil patrick harris” “don’t mention it”
and i awake in a sweat
what a great dream
“hey just wanna do some vitals. they’ll be in to pick you up for yr MRI at about 8 k?”
“arright you ready for this MRI”
“sure. just gimme a minute to get up.”
“do you need to drain your bladder or anything make sure you do it now”
“let’s get this over with”
“arright so i’m gunna have you fr about ‘nhour k?”
we get there
oh the familiar willie wonka candy machine sound or was it dr seuss?
I hate you machine. I will destroy you.
if you’ve ever had an MRI you’ll understand what i’m about to say.
it’s a tube as big as you, surrounded by a huge electromagnet. when they start taking photos the magnet makes this super loud mechanical sound that makes you feel like you’re in a robot’s stomach. eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee .. uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu ….. eri . eri . eri . eri . eri . kchu and on like that for an hour. more or less.
you can fall asleep for most of it but you always wake up for the hardest part. the last ten minutes.
that’s when your body starts to realize it’s been in the same position for 50 minutes and anything that could’ve started producing pain is going. yr gunna notice. about now til the end of the process.
don’t panic. it’s almost over.
so the first time was fine (2009). and in the last ten minutes the only pain i felt was a point the size of a ball point pen tip on the back of my fffuckin head. i didn’t have a pillow that time.
this time. i couldn’t even straighten my back completely cuz i bin mostly in bed the last six days keeping my left leg straight was definitely a challenge too. oh man. i’m glad i fell asleep for the first have cuz 50 minutes (the easy half) was nothing compared to the last ten.
“i’m in a lot of pain”
“no you don’t know”
“arright you ready?”
“can i get outta here and stretch a lidle?”
“well you can but it’ll compromise the pictures. i only have three left. do you wanna come out?”
“how long is this gunna take?”
“15 minutes max”
if trying to relax my muscles wasn’t hard enough now everything that didn’t hurt before was about to. my left knee. my right thigh, i’m glad i didn’t cramp up. my upper back now. my right arm was already falling asleep now the left’s start’n t’go. goddamn.
all i could think about was how she could have the audacity to tell me that she knew what i was feeling. don’t try to empathize with me you fuck. and i thought about how radiologists are the most overpaid doctors in the industry. getting paid to take and look at pictures. and in some cases, like this one, sit around for a fuckin hour in front of a computer taking thhose pictures. FFUCK YOU! ugh… i guess someone’s gotta do it. maybe i should blame the multi-billionaire doctor/engineer who designed this multi-fuckin-million dollar machine so fucking powerful yet so awefully slow. start singing along with the robot.
“all done, sorry”
yr not sorry
“well at least that’s over huh?”
rrr ya kidd’nme…
“probly glad to get back to yr comfy bed huh?”
no, i fucking hate it here y’idiot
I’M the one who’s sorry “thank you”
“you’re very welcome”
i know i come off as a jerk but i don’t think all the doctors, especially the ones as young as her, quite understand what a lot of these patients are going through and i find women especially have a habit of treating you far too condescendingly. lesson to be learned… I’M NOT A FUCKING CHILD! IN FACT, BECAUSE YOU ACTUALLY HAVE AN IDEA OF MY CONDITION, YOU SHOULD UNDERSTAND NOT ONLY IS THIS SHITTY BUT I NEEEEEEED YOU TO FUCKING HELP ME. do not apologize y’idiot. i am so grateful for your existence you have no idea.
I have a new room and a new roommate, ken, and he’s a friend of mine’s uncle.
I was wondering when they were gunna stop spoiling me.
we chat a bit.
ken had a hernia and part of his large bowel removed. good thing they got to it when they did. hoo.
there’s a man at my window.
oh, i didn’t mention the view. well in both my rooms before and this one there’s a great view of the hospital rooftops and it’s well engineered heating units that stand about 20 feet tall.
maybe one day i’ll paint “get well soon” on one
“i guess they can’t see inside”
except he’s pulled back the one way screen to clean and he can totally see me picking and flicking my nose at him. heh heh heh.
we have a visitor
and we discuss lo-pro art projects
it sounds like he has some interesting ideas in mind
i’d like to share more with him but under the circumstances i think it would be best to find a more secure and private area
oh man and my cousin and her boyfriend come to visit. crazy.
she’s gunna be a doctor and so i joke about the play i intend to write about the medical industry and other things. like how my position could have been avoided by my stupid team of specialists long ago. i’m a little bitter, yes, but there’s nothing we can do now.
that was a fun chat. i even got my cuz to go and buy me up some candy and junk food. yay. oops.
“did you enjoy your hotdog?”
“yes, hh hh, sorry”
i forgot ken can’t eat for like at least another day and then even very little i’m sure.
well i’m gunna shit then shower
what’s up doc?
“we haven’t found any sign of bacterial infection in the hip”
“so that’s good and bad right?”
“yeah so you’re going to have to go home and take the CEFTRIAXONE once a day but we’re taking you off the VANCOMYCIN but you get to go home tomorrow”
“oh yeah so i missed the daily of the ceftriaxone yesterday”
“what. that’s really bad, what happened?”
“well the woman came in to put in my PICC line (word up) and forgot to finish the bag”
“i don’t know why they wouldn’t tell me”
“it was like 6 when they noticed”
“wow, why didn’t they just finish’er off? oh well. you’re going to have to take that for about four weeks. I’m gonna find out about that right away”
that means probably yell at my nurse(s).
so i got the shit done.
let’s get clean.
ALICE and PATTY the INCREDIBLE
“hey nurse could i get into a shower t’night”
“oh yeah sure i’ll get yr nurse to dress your PICC and your other bandage and you can use the shower for shore”
what? a real shower? this is going to be the greatest.
and it was.
and when it was done i see there are flowers on my stand.
“from oma and opa” thanks 🙂
well. g’night i guess.
and g’night to you too neighbour bird.